I mean I guess since this seems to be the general opinion, I should probably try to fix this behavior. However, since I didn't see what I did as bitchy, I can't really change it. Maybe I should just avoid people in general, that'd save the world from my bitchiness, right? I probably am meant to be alone forever...
In brighter news, I kept myself from self injuring today. Granted only reason I wanted to self injure was because of that ^, but still I had the blade in my hand and talked myself out of it. Woot woot! Go me.
Josh invited me to drive with him to Savannah for their show there tomorrow, er today... I was going to go until he told me he was leaving at 5AM so he could meet some friends for breakfast and to go see a friend of his grave. The wake up call wasn't that big a deal, I've done that before, but I don't know I feel like I'd be imposing on time with him and friends, and that's not cool. Add that to the fact that obviously I don't deserve friends because I'm a bitch, and I wouldn't want to ruin his time. He doesn't need someone like me tagging along and ruining everything. That tends to be all I do...
God I want to be better. I always think maybe if I were thinner, maybe if I were smarter, braver, nicer... just better, I could deserve better. But I can't ever seem to be better, I always seem to fuck that up too. I probably deserve this Hell I live in... I'm not good enough to deserve more... And I don't know how to change that. I've tried really hard, like really really hard, and nothing seems to change. Things only get worse. And I try not to let it swallow me but it does. And again the question arises:
Why am I still here?
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you very well (we've met a couple of times) but I was always a little intimidated by you, in a good way though. Also, I never thought you were a bitch.
But I read the first couple paragraphs of your post, and I have felt *exactly* the same way after being called a bitch by several friends.
Look, it doesn't matter if you really were a bitch: none of us are perfect. I think my friends are bitchy sometimes, but it doesn't mean I stop loving them. Also, I know if someone calls ME a bitch, I'm probably just going to act bitchier because I'll feel so insecure.
I've also never felt suicidal or like killing myself, but for the same reason you say: permanent solution to temporary problem.
Gee, this is turning into a long comment, but you had lots of stuff to say that I've thought myself.
Last point: I spent tons of time feeling like I fuck everything up and trying to be "better" and failing. Only in the last year, I suddenly stopped being so emotional? Either I started to grow out of some hormones or I just felt like I "fucked up" enough times to finally become a little more thick skinned. I just assumed that when you got to college, the teenage hormonal emotion issues stopped, but I am 21 (almost) now and only just feeling like I have much control over my emotions. It feels good. I can't say whether your feelings are something you'll "grow out of" but I hope they are to some extent.