Hola! Guten Tag! Hi!

Okay, so that was a much too enthusiastic title considering. But I'm going to leave it.

So let's see, what's going on? Umm Kris is out of town which means I have the apartment
to myself, which yeah about that... I mean I'm a person that can easily survive isolation, but it's easier with modern conveniences than without them. And seeing as Kris took his computer and his internet thingy, so no go. Rami gave me a temporary computer but still no internet. *pout*

Anyway, I'm getting adopted tonight and will be hanging out with Josh all evening. Yeah, I don't really know what that's going to entail but I'll let you know.

XOXO

Hey hey

So, yes, I've been gone for a while I realize, but I definitely think it was a very good reason. I do have internet almost constantly now so that means I'll try and get back on track with my posting. However, my computer with all the lovely pictures that I was posting is the one that is completely destroyed. And the computer that did survive is currently in surgery to see what can be done with it exactly. But it doesn't have nearly the stores of beautiful, beautiful nude art that I love so much. We'll work on building my stores up again and I'll get back to posting them.

So I'm living with Kris now, which is actually working out quite well for both of us. I mean it's an adjustment of course, but thus far we have both benefited from my relocation to his futon. As I have about half of my stuff, furniture and major electronics excluded, I've taken up quite a bit of space in his kraft room closet. But, it gave him a reason to clean up the room so woot. We're also designing a new food plan because we both have horrible diets and both know we need to fix them. So yeah, we'll work on it.

I should be heading off to my marine biology class, but I really just don't want to so I'm going to stay here and chill out in the LGBT Center on campus till my lab later. So I have phone calls to make.

Later.

Sorry...

Hey so sorry I haven't been on in a good bit. My apartment burned down early Saturday morning and I have very limited computer time. I'll try to be more on top of things though.

So guess what...

I had three people legit call me a bitch tonight... It wasn't in joking or jest, as it usually is, so I guess if I can be called that thrice within an hour, twice by people close to me that means it's got to be true right?

I mean I guess since this seems to be the general opinion, I should probably try to fix this behavior. However, since I didn't see what I did as bitchy, I can't really change it. Maybe I should just avoid people in general, that'd save the world from my bitchiness, right? I probably am meant to be alone forever...
In brighter news, I kept myself from self injuring today. Granted only reason I wanted to self injure was because of that ^, but still I had the blade in my hand and talked myself out of it. Woot woot! Go me.

Josh invited me to drive with him to Savannah for their show there tomorrow, er today... I was going to go until he told me he was leaving at 5AM so he could meet some friends for breakfast and to go see a friend of his grave. The wake up call wasn't that big a deal, I've done that before, but I don't know I feel like I'd be imposing on time with him and friends, and that's not cool. Add that to the fact that obviously I don't deserve friends because I'm a bitch, and I wouldn't want to ruin his time. He doesn't need someone like me tagging along and ruining everything. That tends to be all I do...

God I want to be better. I always think maybe if I were thinner, maybe if I were smarter, braver, nicer... just better, I could deserve better. But I can't ever seem to be better, I always seem to fuck that up too. I probably deserve this Hell I live in... I'm not good enough to deserve more... And I don't know how to change that. I've tried really hard, like really really hard, and nothing seems to change. Things only get worse. And I try not to let it swallow me but it does. And again the question arises:

Why am I still here?

Says everything so beautifully...

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence
And leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage
For what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I cant destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
When you refused to fight

So save your breath I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a Saint
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I wont listen to your shame
You ran away you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know

If you still care, don't ever let me know...

-"Snuff", Slipknot


Btw, I really want to go shopping. Like desperately. *sigh* Off to go watch some movies for class.

How I'm feeling currently...

I don't really want to post and don't really have anything to say. But since I have to, I figured I'd put this up as it embodies my moods currently:

Lisa: They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?
Susanna: Because you're dead already, Lisa!

Dream

Tag Nummer fünf!

Guten Tag Menschen! Wie gehts?

So as predicted I spent alllll day cooking. Gah. Cooking is really tiring by the way. The chili I made is the shit though, seeing as it's my first time ever making chili from scratch. It could have been better I'll admit but hey for a newbie it was the shit. Hell, my roommate wanted to steal some so that's the highlight of my day. Yeah, me and the roommates don't really get on very well anymore. Whatevers though.

Finally got off my lazy ass and called the psychiatrist today. So hopefully I'll be getting medication soon, and I can try being at least semi-normal. Hell, I'd settle for not being completely suicidal at this point, so pray for drugs. :o)

And yes, you guys read that right, by all technical terms, I'm suicidal. However, I'm not stupid enough to actually go through with it. Not saying that people who do committ suicide are stupid, they just aren't realizing that it's a very permanent solution to a very temperary problem. I know it won't solve anything, and unless I put a bullet through the back of my skull, the chances of it being successful are slim, despite what the news and movies tell you. I also understand that suicide and self harm in general is related to a chemical inbalance because one of our baser instincts in to survive, and wanting/needing to go against it means there's something seriously wrong. I know this, hence why I'm hoping for drugs. And hoping my insurance covers it.

Oh so, more and more recently I'm being reminded as to why I miss the west coast for reasons other than the weather. Because of the magic of Twitter, I get updates from people I use to hang with back in Cali and bands I use to be addicted to namely 30STM. I've missed several events/parties that I would have been privy to were I still in Cali. I've also missed a couple events at the Playboy Mansion that I could have managed to get into as well. Add in the fact that I'm so far from my heart and soul, i.e. Hollyweird, I'm just losing my mind. I really hope I get into UCLA so I can move back. *sigh* Pray for that too.

Is it odd that despite all the food I just made, I'm seriously thinking of going on a fast for the next couple of days? Just to cleanse my system and start fresh. I should probably do a flush and a fast before school starts back. Hmm... I'll see about that.

I was at Wally World the other day and true to my word I looked into getting v-neck tees. Homigawd, 5-pack for $10. Are we serious? That's so uber perf. And I was looking into some pretty awesome dyeing techniques too so hopefully I'll get some really awesome shirts for real cheap. And Gio just bought me a really cute necklace that I'm so excited about. I don't get it until after he performs in it, but still excited.

So I decided since I've been caught up on the ladies recently I'd post an ab fab guy today. Trust he is a male, okay? Copyright: Jose Manchado (again, lol)

Better than Yesterday

So here I am day 4ish I think. *shrug* Whatever, I'm here right. So let's see here hmm... I think there was something I wanted to expand on from something I said yesterday, but I honestly don't remember. It was probably about Michael or Mouse, but yeah I don't want to talk about him, so we're not going there.

Oh, I found out a good friend of mine is getting her first tattoo soon, that's kind of exciting. I remember my first. It hurt like a bitch because I was stupid and didn't take anything before I got it. And I decided my wrist would be my first. Probably not my brightest idea honestly. But I don't regret it. However, hearing she's getting one after debating it for a good minute, reminds me of all the tattoos I want but can't afford. I think my next one will have to be my right side to even out my body. It bugs me to no end that I have my left side done and not my right, though I really want to add to my left side. But yeah I'm getting:
"I'm not supposed to love you,
I'm not supposed to care,
I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there,
I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do,
I'm sorry, I can't help myself, but I fell in love with you."

It's pretty, huh? I think so. That's from Michael too. :) So I'll have two tattoos for him on me, but I don't care, I think he's worth it. For those of you reading this that don't know me, of which I doubt there are any, no Michael is not my boyfriend, I'm not that stupid. Michael was my first love who committed suicide several years ago. So I think I'm allowed to have tattoos of him without getting the stink eye. lol.

Umm lets see, what else? Oh so I kind of work for a project called Athens Music Project, which is actually a very great company, or it will be when we get it off the ground. Had a meeting with them today, and I still firmly stand by the idea that I've never been a part of an organization that was so umm... laxidaisical. It's really odd. Don't get be wrong I love the people I work with, all 4 of them, but it's really odd. It gives me an excuse to go to concerts and hang out with people I wouldn't get to see that often though so no biggie really. It's funny though because me and Kris have very different ideas on how to run things than the person who runs things, Anne. She's lovely, if a little scatterbrained. And I still believe her and Josh, the co-owner and the guy that pierces me, have two completely different views on what they want out of the company. But that's okay, at this stage everything is working out, and if/when things come to a head, I'm pretty sure me and Kris will be able to handle both aspects of it.

Talked to my brother today, which was odd as well, because we've never been what one would call close. We were two very different people with two very different ideas about the world, but he's grown up and realized I'm not the one making his life miserable, that would be our father. So now, meaning since I went to college, we see more eye to eye on things. He's a junior in high school (can't believe that, btw), and looking into colleges and such nonsense, and it amazes me how far he's come. If you would have asked him a couple years ago where he wanted to go to college he would have said Nintendo University in Japan to study video games. Now he wants to go to NYU to study Hospitality and Hotel Management. He wants to own a hotel, or a couple hotels, hopefully one on the Strip in Vegas, where he promises to name a suite after me. Woot woot! He was all worried about a low grade he got in Visual Arts as a freshman affecting his chances to get into NYU. He would not have cared not that long ago. So proud.

Went grocery shopping today and spent too much money, like $120 just for me. So that means I have to spend all of tomorrow slaving away over a hot stove to cook for the next month. Yes, I do precook all of my food, because that's the only way it's going to be homecooked. That means I should probably go to bed so I can wake up early enough to actually finish all the cooking, gah. I get to try new recipes though, woot!

Lates babes.

Okay, this is one of my favorite shots of all time. Copyright: Scott Church

Yeah yeah yeah...

Really didn't want to post today, er yesterday. Whatever. Anyways, I didn't want to post but I made myself a promise so here I am.

However, simply because I am posting does not mean I'm saying anything interesting. I have been told though that I need to put this up here, or somewhere online:

"When I heard him say 'I love you', I never thought it would be the last thing I'd hear him say before he decided the world didn't love him enough to stay."

A couple days ago I "stumbled upon" a website called OneSentence.org. Basically it's a site where people post true stories told in one sentence. That ^ was my submission, so we shall see if it gets put up.

And let's see what lovely shot to adorn today's post with? Ah, yes. This is by one of my favorite photographers of all time.

Copyright: Jose Manchado via DeviantArt

The truth of the matter...

Day 2

So true to form I really didn't want to post today, and true to my stubborn side, I promised I would post so here I am.

Life is still the same, I guess. Haven't done much today or the rest of last night. I ate today, like I ate a lot today, which is definitely something new. My diet of recent has been pretty horrible, a daily menu usually consist of a water bottle or two and a small meal. Not good, I know but I don't have time to eat and I really don't have the money for it either. But yeah, I ate like two legit meals today and feel like I'm going to puke. My goal for spring break is to get on a normal diet and normal-ish sleeping plan. I've been averaging like 5 hrs a night and I know that's not good either. *sigh*

I talked to my good friend Nick last night for the first time in what seems like years. We met back in the 30STM days, concerted together a lot, were pretty close. I mean, hell, I remember when he met his soon to be wife :). Anyway, he told me I should go to a dietitian to see about my eating habits. Of course I can't afford to go to one, but it's good to know my total count of doctors I need to see is up to five: general practitioner, psychiatrist, dentist, dermatologist and now a dietician. I mean I have insurance, thank God, but I don't have time, a way to get there, or the money for the co-pay. Whatever. I'll figure it out. I really need a job.

I also talked to Justen briefly last night. He ordered me to get a Wells Fargo account so he can give me money per month or so to eat on. *eye roll* I love him, I swear I do. Such a caring little bastard. lol.

I think I'm going to see how many appointments and such I can get done over the break to hopefully catch up on what should be human staples. I also want to look into doing some community service with the time I don't really have. And I need to find a job. Looks like I got a break just in time, right?

I realized part of the reason I stopped watching TV so much is because the stuff I like to watch is all about fashion, food, expensive shite I can't afford. lol. Damn my expensive tastes. I really need to revamp my wardrobe, I've had the same clothes since I was in probably 9th or 10th grade. While some of it is still in great shape, it's a tad dated, and not really the look I want for myself right now. Other stuff is in pretty awful shape honestly, but I wear them because they are perfect and necessary, like my True Religion jeans. I've owned them for years, they fit me perfectly and I love them. The holes in the crouch, however, not so much. I'd really love to be able to get a fashion makeover so I could look like this everyday:Gah. Or even be able to just walk outside in something like this:Yea, as you can tell I'm totally digging this biker chic look that's in this spring. But something like that would be lovely. I have to work on that. I also really want something from T by Alexander Wang too. But I can't come out of pocket for $76 for a t-shirt. Or even an American Apperal tee for like $24. I'll have to hit up Targét or Wally World. We'll see.

To end I leave you with this lovely beauty. Copyright: ©PRADOFOTO

Hola

So, I decided it might be best for my mental health if I start a blog. I don't know why exactly, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I can't tell you what exactly I'll be talking about, as I have no idea myself. I'm sure some personal stuff will come up but that's to be expected, right? Other than that well there'll probably be a bunch on movies and music, as they are two of my favorite topics. Oh yea, there will probably be a lot of pretty pictures too, or at least what I think are pretty. I have a thing for photography, whether that be fashion photography, art nudes or just random pretty people, they'll definitely show up in here.

I don't personally believe I'll keep this up, as I was never able to keep a diary as a child, so I've issued myself a challenge: I must post something on here daily for a month. Even if it's really small, or just a picture I have to. We'll see how that goes. I've been pretty good at keeping up my personal challenges recently so I think I'll do okay. I hope lol.

Okay let's see for today... So today is the Friday before Spring break, and I'm excited. I've desperately needed this break, like I've never need spring break before. I don't know why I'm so physically exhausted. It's simply ridiculous. gah.

Found out Justen is going to Afghanistan for four months in June. There goes our summer vaca plans. Fucking air force. I'm really not pleased. He was supposed to be staying in Japan, not going off to war. Why can't the gov't/military keep their fucking promises? Is that really too much to ask? I mean don't get me wrong, I love and support our troops, but I don't support this war or our occupation of either Iraq or Afghanistan. Who gave us the right to play God?

I think I'm going to end on that note, even though it's kind of depressing. Maybe a picture to make things better, yeah?

Isn't she lovely? I love this picture. Taken and copyrighted by my buddy Brian Kucera. :)